should i confront my boyfriend about text messages

My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight months. I was counseling a troubled couple recently and he had been suspected of cheating. Ask Your Question Fast! Here, are a few questions to ask yourself and the best way to talk out your concerns if you're feeling tempted to snoop. Worse still, you could start crying and they will try and appease (rather than be honest) or you could lose your temper and theyll walk away or shut down. Breaking someone's trust is a major violation, and it is hard to repair that. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Cond Nast. And its the actual problem that needs addressing. I know its bad on my part for spying on his instagram, but i was right!!! They want the truth, then punish the person for telling it. I need to have respect for myself first. Any advice would be appreciated. While there's nothing . Maybe he's just lying about the reason for moving for his own pride. Find a good time to talk. If you've been with him for any period of time, you should be able to tell if he's panicking or lyingunless he's very good at deceiving you. I havent confronted him yet. Ultimately, it is better to try and solve the root causes - before they tip over into more dangerous behaviours - than get diverted into discussing whether texting another woman is really cheating. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We've been married for 12 years and have kids. How do you meet your introvert needs when your partner is an extroverted social butterfly? My brother says Im an idiot for not bringing her home. Bring any evidence you have, and ask him if he has something he needs to tell you, or just come right out and tell him that you know he cheated. However, this question will most likely fetch you only more lies. Question: Is it okay for me to get mad if my boyfriend is calling some girl "bae" and saying he loves her? Are you okay with that? How did you handle it? The bad news: A 2013 survey, conducted by a mobile phone insurance website, of almost 2,400 respondents in the United Kingdom who had discovered the infidelity of their partner, or who had been unfaithful themselves, found that in 41 percent of cases the unfaithful behavior had come to light through evidence revealed on a mobile phone. A word of advice when it comes to a partner - if they aren't willing to be a good friend to you when thats what you really need - they aren't going to be a good boyfriend. Do you look at the text messages on your partners phone? If you are concerned that your boyfriend may be texting other girls, there are some clear signs to look for in his behavior. Loss of libido? As Andrew explains: In most cases, if your partner is texting someone else, it is a cry for help. He also has two kids whom he never sees at all! As for his part of it though, well, I don't love that he's texting his ex to meet up, and I really don't love that he's lying about his reasons for moving with you. Find yourself someone your own age not this middle aged player. Talking about that wont make him a decent person all of a sudden. Putting up with lying in a relationship is not healthy. I am devastated that you decided that our relationship was over and was going to end in such a horrible way, and that you made that awful, emotionless woman part of our marriage. It's a troublesome combo. If this is the case, there will be some telltale signs that he will give off that will clue you into his infidelity. It allows you to read your spouse's text messages with them being none the wiser. It depends on your relationship, but experts agree it's usually better to be up-front about it. You clearly weren't secure before, and what you saw is only going to exacerbate the problem. Sorry for any spelling/ grammar mistakes, I am a bit upset. In that case, you should try building trust in your relationship instead of fretting about your boyfriend talking to his ex. Tell him as clearly and plainly as possible that you will not be lied to and that by lying to you, he has significantly damaged the relationship. It should not take place at a time when either of you are busy. Evolutionary psychology proposes that heterosexual men and women experience jealousy in different ways, and are motivated by different threats to a relationship. He says hes going to his sisters bday when i can see hes texting his bestie to go clubbing. A worthy partner can have a conversation with you about whatever comes up in the relationship," says Lamia. It's a troublesome combo. Answer: You can approach the subject by breaking up with him. and he has nothing to impress them with. This content is accurate and true to the best of the authors knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional. There's stuff leading up to it. What should I do? My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight months. I found this out when I saw his phone. This is not evidence that he is cheating but this is so disrespectful. I'm insecure about my relationship at times, though for most part I'm not given any reasons. We planned to meet on Friday and he even confirmed the day before. I got stood up and I'm embarrassed, very confused and hurt. As Andrew adds: In contrast to open questions, closed questions (like dont you agree that its wrong?) which are leading and can only be answered yes or no, will have them justifying their behaviour to you rather than thinking about the implications of it.. This gender difference in jealousy response was demonstrated in a classic study by Buss, Larsen and Western (1992) in which male and female participants read scenarios involving emotional and sexual infidelity, and were asked how jealous each scenario made them feel. Lying to your significant other is a serious problem, and if your boyfriend has not been telling you the truth, there are some steps you have to take. By curiosity, I mean that instead of arguing about your husbands texts, have you been able to step back and try to understand why this friendship is important to him; what hes getting from it that he may be missing in other parts of his life (perhaps feeling seen, understood, respected, enjoyed? It's been over a week since the messages were sent and he has yet to tell me anything about it. The conversation lasted about two days, and when they were going to meet, he flaked out. Can you move on without that doubt always creeping around in the back of your mind? The study employed a sample of 42 undergraduate students. Always ladies, whenever you are in a relationship, especially a relationship where he is texting other girls you want to make sure that you have very open lines of communication. I recently discovered that my husband and a female colleague of his have a texting streak going back as far as 2016. You dont trust your husbandand for good reasonbut he may not trust you either, in the sense that he may not trust your capacity to acknowledge his truth were he to share it openly with you. But for the past six months I have been checking his text messages. [7] For instance, you could say, "I feel really worried when I see you texting your friend so often," or "I'm just . Welcome to r/relationship_advice. 3. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? just out of the blue. Understanding each other is the basis of connection. And you know it . You want to catch your partner at a good time. Your safety is the most important thing, and no matter what someone says, control is not love. Some people can rebuild it, but this is a minority of couples. What you're going to find out by snooping is if he is the problem, or your paranoia is. & McLean, H. (2015). 5. A woman is constantly trying to text him. Just know he might try to love bomb you and worm his way back in. No matter what you may have experienced in the past, paranoia is not normal in a relationship. Given that so many people admit to checking a partners phone, is it the case that men and women also respond differently to different types of messagesthose containing predominantly emotional content as opposed to those containing sexual content? It is a spin-off of How I Met Your Mother.The series, which stars Hilary Duff, Christopher Lowell, Francia Raisa, Suraj Sharma, Tom Ainsley, Tien Tran, and Kim Cattrall, follows the main character, Sophie (Duff), and her group of friends in Manhattan. An age gap in friendship can open you to the potential of new experiences and a fresh perspective. On the other hand, if you know that your boyfriend still carries a torch for his old girlfriend, then you might want to have a serious discussion with him. 1. It's a violation of trust, which I know you already know and feel bad about, so I won't harp on that point too much. It's just my mind being mean. It may be tempting to immediately tell your partner how wrong and inappropriate their behaviour is, but as Andrew explains, its often better to let them realise this for themself. Have you even wondered why a man of almost 40 is still playing the field with girls just out of their teens? Need help with your relationship? Of course, there are also those instances where you might not be sure in the first place whether your boyfriend is texting another woman or not. Do You Need to Get Relationship Closure With an Ex? Getting mad won't change the fact that he's been trying to woo some other girl. Did You Doublecheck Your Online Dating Profile Bio? Mark Westmoquette investigates. If you tell me the truth, I will deny your needs. Nobody likes the person that they become when they are consumed with waiting for their partner to go to the bathroom so they can pounce on their phone and quickly scroll through texts. Don't appear angry, just be upfront and direct. But I don't think you can do that. Have a conversation with him about it. What do you expect from a guy who dates someone literally half his age? Snooping in romantic relationships. Still, try to keep things on topic if you can, no matter how much he tries to change the subject. Test: What stops you making the most of your time? 4. Uh-oh, our reader has a guilty AND suspicious mind. Find out what happens when you form a friendship thats based on mutual interests and shared values. Either way, you wont be able to have a conversation about his texting that will be helpful to you individually or as a couple until a deeper understanding is reached. Since technology is essentially to blame for this behavior, then technology is the first place you should go to rid yourself of them. Andrew suggests: Rather than describing the problems or your upset, ask open-ended questions. Reply. "So if your friend excluded you from an event, perhaps you . Clearly, he either intends on leaving and didn't have the courage to inform you, or else he was intending on stringing this other girl along and cheating. OMG get out of this relationship- date some boys your own age and have fun while you are young. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. Just ACT. If he's done nothing to deserve this distrust, you shouldn't be snooping. The only thing that makes me feel a wee bit better is that he said "In all likelihood she's going to be who I marry." Reader's Dilemma: Should I Confess to Snooping Through My Boyfriend's Texts? If you didn't have any reason to suspect bad behavior, or you did and were too afraid to talk to him about it first, you aren't secure in your relationship. We're seriousso serious that my boyfriend decided to . .". The study found that the total number of fixations was greater for women than for men who viewed the emotional message; women also spent longer looking at the emotional message than did men. When Lebby Eyres successfully rowed 3,000 miles across the ocean she discovered some surprising truths about her everyday life. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. If he comes back to you, he will on his own. Cyberpsychology, Behaviour and Social Networking, 18, (1), 37-40. Did he tell you that? YOU are the reward! Your feeling is correct, there is just that creepy belief in some places that, somehow, trusting your partner to no privacy is okay if you are a woman. It's normal to be attracted to other people sometimes, but it's hard to have a relationship if we're not honest with each other, right?". Do You Want to Snoop Because Your Partner Is Manipulative? Answer (1 of 4): Are you his mother or his keeper or his guard dog? All bans in this subreddit are permanent. "Someone might snoop because their needs feel unmet by their partner, and they are trying to make sense of the disconnection or rejection they feel," Lamia explains. To revisit this article, visit My Profile, thenView saved stories. Since you're the one who invaded his privacy (and you really shouldn't have), the burden is on you to prove that he's doing anything wrong. Please make sure you read our rules here. 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